I’m gonna share something personal.
I have been in my share of bad relationships.
Honestly, I feel that I’ve had enough for a lifetime; finally learned my lesson!
Seems like the universe heard me - now I have met someone who might not be “who I expected to see myself with” (you know this dream image in your head with a horse and sh*t), but he loves me beyond words and treats me incredibly.
And you know what?
I FEEL HORRIBLE.
How can that be, you might wonder?!
Well, in the previous relationship, I was always pulled back and forth; the whole thing was full of drama, fighting, insecurities, emotional and physical abuse, and overall just total insanity. I was given “intermittent reinforcement” which is a highly addictive form of control (I’ll put a link here about what it is, just click the button below), which TOTALLY wrecked my nervous system.
I was high strung and tense, ALL THE TIME. CONSTANTLY. Not enough words to describe how bad it was, and oh, how desperate and nuts I was… damn.

Relationship before that was no picnic either, and before that, and before that, and my parents always fighting… long story short; I’ve had loads of drama in my life.
Anyway – now that I am in something healthy, loving and stable, all the unprocessed emotions come up to the surface! Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry and thank him for being here, sometimes I doubt the whole thing and feel SUPER BORED… it’s a roller-coaster.
SO, I can say that I both feel immensely happy, and very very awful.
I’m detoxing from a life of anxiety and bullshit, and even though my conscious mind so badly wants this STABLE love and affection that I’m getting now, I can feel my subconscious crawling under the surface, whispering, and at times screaming – “RUIN SOMETHING!! This can’t go on this way, this is not right, you have to f*ck this up, you HAVE TO do SOMETHING so things go back to normal!!”
Sounds nuts?
I bet you, you have a little bit of that too, at least.
Let me explain:
As humans, we are beings that thrive in comfort, confirmation, and social acceptance. Some of us might be daring enough to go outside our comfort-zone and face our fears, but still, it’s proven time and time again that without social acceptance (aka. Any type of love) we die, wayyy quicker then we were perhaps meant to die.
So, many of us therefore grow up in our comforts.

Don’t you like your comfort? I bet you looove your comfort. You love it so much, that most likely you will stick by your comfort, even when it is proven bad for you. Our comfort is not necessarily what is good for us, but what we like because of it’s familiarity.
For example a specific way to hug, some smell that triggers pleasant memories, a fluffy blanket that our grandma gave us; those are all things that are nice and familiar.
But what if I told you for example: “Hey, did you like the way your parents screamed at you as a child?”
You will most likely say “HELL NO, I hated it!”
But then we’ll have a look at your intimate relationships, and both you and I will clearly see how your life is imprinted by their screaming; perhaps even, you stay in relationships that involve loud fights, even though you claim to hate it.

So, even if you hate something, even if you KNOW and FEEL it is bad for you, it can still be so familiar and comforting that you will lose yourself and all you own before you lose what gives you this familiar feeling.
But why, you might think? If I know it’s bad for me, why would I keep in my life/keep doing it/allowing it?! It’s just plain stupidity.
Why yes, my friend, while it might sound stupid, it is the absolute truth.
There are way too many things in this life we cling to that we know are bad, not because they (only) are physically addicting (perhaps), but mostly because they have an emotional attachment of familiarity to us. In most cases linked to our childhood, but in others, it’s connected to some coping later in life, and we just don’t know how to do it any other way. Then the chain of comfort goes even deeper… it grows into an addiction.
Things such as:

• Candy, sugars, simple carbohydrates
• Other junk food
• Normal foods that you might not tolerate but that are just “so good”
• Cigarettes and other self destructive behavior
• Alcohol, and other drugs
• Fighting, “drama-holic”
• Emotional and physical abuse
• Suppression, political issues

It is unfortunately much easier for us to cling to familiarity and keep the love, acceptance and comfort we so desperately need, than to break free into our REAL core truth, or to even just live a slightly healthier lifestyle.
Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that we sometimes feel “unworthy” of good things…
But that’s another topic.
Thankfully I feel my subconscious well enough to most often anticipate it’s pranks when it wants to ruin things, and my man also knows about this.
He understands it, and is very loving and supportive.
And... Isn’t it terrible?

What is YOUR experience of such habits?
 
Love and dance,
//Gypsy Queen

P.S. I'll be changing domain soon, more blogs there, more honesty, more LIFE!
Stay tuned!

- If you click on the picture, you'll go to my "Women only Tantra-Talks" group!

Just recently I was at this lecture with Jenny Koos, and it blew my mind. I have learned soooooo much!

Disclaimer: when I talk about masculine and feminine here, I am talking about energies we all have in our bodies and minds, not the genders in particular. This article is directed towards people with a uterus (because those without don't reeeeeally have a cycle)

Being women (uterus carriers), we basically go though all 4 seasons of the year, within a 26-36 day phase (depending on your cycle).
Keeping track of your menstrual cycle is immensely important to your reproductive, hormonal, sexual, and most of all emotional health!
Some days within this month, just like some periods during the year, you might be more energetic, you might do more, see and understand more, be super horny, and other times you might just want to sit and come and organize your closet.
Society is a very masculine construction, and the rules within society wants us all to produce, produce, produce! And for that, living in cycles is not timely or appropriate, even if a woman might do more and better in shorter periods of time if she (us) took her time to listen to her body and her cycle.
And might I add - society pushing us to take pills, shots and all those preventative hormones and call it "freedom" is another way to eradicate our cycles, so we can be more like men.

My advice to you is to start tracking your cycle; when are you ovulating, how many days do you have fertile secretion, how regular is your period, how do you FEEL during the different days of your cycle?
Or at least, start by taking a minute and think about it... for example, what is your PMS telling you to do? Some things during the week before period might seem "over emotional" (because you're shamed for being a woman and sensitive, ugh), but that's exactly when you should listen to your body!
The random things that trigger anger or sadness, are usually the things you should have a look at.
Please share below any comments you might have about changes you noticed throughout your cycle, or any questions! ^_^

Love and dance <3

//Gypsy Queen

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S DONE!!
This project started as examination project for a course I did at Stockholm Dance University, but then I realized this has so much more potential, to have greater meaning!
This short film (subcategory - dancefilm) is created open to interpretation, but wants to emphasize the struggles of professional lifestyle (especially as artist but others as well) and the crutches we may use to handle it. How does the stress feel, what is it like?
​How much coffee is too much coffee, and what if coffee is not enough?
What are our uppers and downers, what drives us creatively, what is our passion, and how far do we (as people, as entrepreneurs, as people of society) go sometimes for the sake of our passions, without realizing it's.. actually damaging?
What is an addiction, and what are our reasons behind it?
​

At my application to Malmö Theatre Univerity, I was in the warm-up room a few minutes before. Another girl practicing in there read her monologue, and I complemented her on it.
It was about why women throw balls so silly and weak, why can’t they take after their brothers and fathers?
I mentioned that my monologue is exactly opposite; she laughed.. “Oh, like, I’m a women and I suck? That’s what we try to GET AWAY from!”
No.
Actually, my monologue was about unhappy love, grief, and obsession.
However something about this girls theatre piece struck a thought…
In the text, she mentions: “There must be some function to girls throwing the ball so weak, with no effort, and then giggling about it?”
And yes, I think there is.

It is not what most people would think – that girls/women are taught to be weak and incapable, so a strong boy or man can come in and save the day/score the ball!
But rather, the truth lays beneath it, masquerading as patriarchy.
The truth is that women are in some ways superior, or, rather, different to men. We are, indeed, all different!
In addition, in our many creative, wise ways, our true feminine nature can be threatening to the masculine, especially the immature, insecure masculine. So we are taught by our mothers and fathers, grandparents and neighbours that “boys don’t like strong girls”, and therefore you must be less than you truly are, in order to not be alone. When in reality we make ourselves less than we are (not just women – MOST PEOPLE in fact!!) in order for other people not be intimidated by us; so other people may feel needed, and worthy of us.
It's very possible for a girl to throw a ball without losing her feminine grace; feminine does not mean weak, it never has! But if boys are intimidated by girls throwing balls further than some, it's their trigger, their thing to deal with and their parents to teach them.
And then, it's also about how you define strength or weakness.
It really is counter-productive to evolution of man and womankind; instead of being our full amazing selves so that we may intimidate, inspire and motivate others to do the same (spread their wings, blossom like a flower, whatever metaphor you want), we make ourselves lesser, in order to not be alone. So someone else can feel they’re on our level. We will indeed be chronically unhappy if we continue living this lie, or like most people, get used to it as the regular thing, and find a bunch of amazing excuses not to be your full self, that will sound completely logical and sensible to the uncritical ear.
Oh, and let’s not forget; much of this will look like patriarchy, when in fact, it is the women that imprison them(our)selves, in order to not scare men away. Mothers imprison daughters, friends imprison each other with advice, magazines, clothing and cosmetics make money off of you not being as awesome as you are... you get the picture.

What would happen if all of us ladies, collectively owned our raw feminine nature, those of us that truly want to embrace it?!
Men would either have to step up to match that vibration, or fall off the wagon.
But don’t be afraid of being alone; I’m sure they will be up for the challenge. <3
And if they’re not, consider moving to another country.

Love and dance,
//Gypsy Queen

Living in Scandinavia most part of my life (besides the months spent travelling, haha), I've always despised the oncoming darkness.
For those who don't know, here in Sweden at this latitude (Stockholm) there's around... 6,5 hours of daylight at this moment.
Every year it starts getting darker, and every time I've felt depressed. Super unmotivated, everything sucked, didn't really want to do much, and if I did I was in grief all the time, over.. well, everything.

A lack of sunlight, or vitamin D, can show symptoms like:
- Increased risk or symptoms of clinical depression
- For men especially, it increases risk of heard disease.
- It's been linked to certain cancers, psychological issues and dementia.
- It lowers the immune system, and oh don't forget those harmful artificial screen lights!
- Then there's back pain, joint and muscle pain, hair loss, bone loss, anxiety, fatigue and weight gain...
- Ooh, and also - using sunscreen and sunglasses inhibits vitamin D uptake. So there's worse consequences from not enough sun then too much.

But last year I went out of the country, filling myself up with sun, I was in a beautiful relationship, and I broke the SAD pattern.
Today, it's even better!
I haven't felt affected by the darkness at all this year, in fact, I think I like it!
Living on a quiet island has provided a sanctuary for me and my emotions, and the darkness is embracing me like a blanket.. I do miss the sunshine, and I'm longing for it, but not complaining about the dark same way as I used to. It feels safe, real, and like it's supposed to be this way; it's okay to go into the shadows once in a while, and winter is a time of reflection, shadow work, and self love, for comfort, soft touch, and warm food.
Life naturally slows down, and I grieve that our society prevents us from following our natural rhythm, expecting us to be on top at all times.
Luckily, we don't have to follow the rules of society!

Love and Dance

//Gypsy Queen

I've always loved these huge majestic animals, went horseback riding when I was younger, drew them all the time, but life had it so I would not afford or live close enough to hang out with them often enough.
Two weeks ago a friend of mine invited me to travel 4 h south to ride, and have a photo-shoot, and of course I had to say yes!
Instantly I felt a deep connection with them, walking in the field, the animals gathering round and expressing curiosity..

There is such a thing as horse therapy (equine therapy), where psych-patients get to interact with horses in different ways, to develop self control, self confidence, accountability, responsibility etc.
Some of the other benefits are:
Emotional awareness, empathy, flexibility, stress tolerance, impulse control, social responsibility, self regard and independence.

Later we saddled the horses and went to take pictures on them; as soon as I got in the saddle
After the photo-shoot we got to go for a ride, both me and the horse super restless and happy.
When I got him to gallop I felt an amazing feeling, almost like seeing a loved one after a long time from each other, or going on vacation after many weeks of hard work!!
I started laughing from joy, smiling and couldn't hold back, holding on with my thighs as hard as possible because the horse got as excited as I, galloping faster
The two days after I could barley walk from muscle pain in my legs, hahahaha ..
Then horses have appeared in my dreams and mind, this Saturday I get to ride again, and today one appeared in a drum journey we did in class.

In shamanic and other cultures horses symbolize power and freedom, sexuality, nobility, wilderness, motivation to carry you through anything, trusting relationships, and cooperating with people but without losing ones individuality.
Horse medicine helps you balance current responsibilities and close relationships with your desire for independence, and to feel the gratitude in our hearts.
With its help, you can overcome any difficult situation.
Enjoy your appetite for life, freedom of expression and full life force!

Go hang out with horses, even if you're afraid
​of them I'm sure it will do you good ​

Love and dance

​//Gypsy Queen

Here's a drawing I made when I was.. 16, I think.