The photo is from a gig in Uppsala a couple weeks ago!
I just felt for this photo so badly; it's so raw, real, and... weird, hahaha!
I'm not sure if you're all curious what happens backstage when I am (or anyone else in the dance and circus world) are performing, so let me fill you in!
It's always fun to share intimate, vulnerable parts of life, and the emotions that fill you when you have a nice backstage is indeed one of those WOW moments in life that just make you burst with joy!
I know many of us performers out there really want to express our needs and wants, but don't really dare to, because if we have a shitty attitude we won't get hired anymore (even if we do our job amazingly).
So here I am, to say what I think and be honest about it!
What usually happens backstage?
Well; gossip, undressing, some much needed instagramming, helping each other get dressed, pin stuff or makeup advice. Sometimes there's spontaneous dances, friends that come with us backstage to talk or take "backstage photos", stretching, warming up and, occasional nervousness.
One has to focus, finish makeup and make sure it's flawless, take photos for promotion, binge-drink coffee or other thing that gives you that EXTRA energy
You're probably wondering; Ronyah, what do you (or other performers) NEED backstage?
The necessary things for comfort (indoors of course, outdoors there's almost no hope, haha) would be:
Thing is, when performers are already required to be everything for ourselves, makeup, make costumes, train, promotion, the last thing one wants to do is to bring a bunch of stuff to make backstage livable.
So, what's luxury, and will make us LOVE you and want us to do our job even better?
(Of course when one is performing outside, these conditions don't really apply)
So if you're planning to have an event with performers, please do think over how you can make it comfortable for us, and make us love you and brag about your forever!
But seriously, as long as there's good light and it's warm, we'll be fine.
Just let us know in advance.
I just felt the need to share this, and a few more insane photos from the gig in Uppsala from which I have the photo above!
By the way, that gig had candy, big mirror with good lighting, electricity, and some very awesome people.
Love and light,
So perhaps I haven't written this here, but I've started studying Western Natural medicine.
With all the fascinating things we do in Natural Medicine school, one of these was to go out and connect with a plant.
At first I felt it was silly, even though I have done it as a child...
I took my basket, and went out to pick some rose petals and apples to make jam and other stuff. I figured, if I connect with something on the way, I'll go for it.
After filling the basket, I moved on to a tree a bit further off...
One with beautiful apples, so red they feel SEXY! With so much life, love and power in them..!
I felt so drawn to this tree, as I picked it's apples, smelling, stroking and experiencing them fully.
Following my intuition I climbed up in the tree and sat down on the wet stem.
The moss felt so soft and familiar, like a pet, sheep's wool, or something.. oh.
I started talking to her, saying hello, and then it all just came pouring out. My grief, emotions, questions, everything! And it felt like she answered me, supported me in her presence, I saw images arise in my mind and answers came to me, as well as rivers down my face..
I stroked the soft moss on the trunk to comfort myself, wiping off the tears and continuing to stroke her, as I felt the silence and peace fill my mind.
I sat there for a while, meditating, feeling into everything, and then decided it's time to go.
I thanked her for supporting me, and the strongest wind yet swept through the branches, letting me know I was on the right path <3
Now I have made lots of magical remedies and foods from this tree, she and I have a special relationship <3
If you have the time; go for a walk, let your intuition guide you to a plant, tree, stone or place, and see what happens.
You might just experience magic <3
Love and dance
Ooh, I was recently in a music video!
The finished product will be out in a couple weeks, but there's this awesome rock band in Stockholm and I'm the "dramatic dancing girl" in their upcoming video.
The cover photo above is actually taken during filming!
Photos: Gustavo Martins
Video: Nordic Star Production
So here's some photos and links to info about it:
Love and dance
Arriving at Ängsbacka is such an experience, and this time to the World’s biggest Tantra Festival!!
SOOO honoured to be teaching and performing here, can’t wait!
I’m super excited, coming one day early, moving my bag of clothes and aerial equipment into the dorm room, I meet my roommate. A yoga teacher from South Africa, we get to talking about freedom and nudity.
He points out that apparently because the festival hasn’t started yet, the females aren’t allowed to be topless yet. “I find that quite weird”, he says, “I mean, it’s so hot, and I feel like if I can be without a shirt on they should also be able to do so! Can’t we all just get naked and be free? Why does everything have to be sexualized?”
Well, it doesn’t.
This sparked an interesting thought in my mind…
If you’ve ever been on a nudist beach, you know that with all the naked bodies around (unless you’re a pervert who hasn’t been intimate for TOO LONG) it’s quite normal, and not sexual at all.
Even if people are very beautiful, it will still not affect you the same way as if everyone were dressed and one person was half or fully naked. It’s just a different atmosphere, a safe space for de-sexualized nakedness. So for sure, at festivals and other similar events, I’m totally all for having as much clothes on as you (and most people around) are comfortable with.
I myself love being topless!
But I think we should put our clothes on at times, for the sake of variety and mystery.
“But why?!” you may ask. “Isn’t this a part of the oppression? Telling someone to go put their clothes on because it’s shameful to be naked, because now you’re not a child anymore and can’t be naked, why constrict people?”
It’s not about putting people to shame or in boxes.
Essentially, there is nothing shameful about our body.
Consider that it’s all about HOW you tell your children to start wearing more clothes in public, or how you choose to dress yourself otherwise.
This can become a huuuuge political discussion, but I want to keep it simple and philosophical;
If we don’t wear clothes, there is no mystery. No excitement, no tension, polarity or secret! There is less to learn about the person, and more uncomfortable rocks to sit on if you’re nude.
And if you dress too much, there’s that talk also… about how if we show nothing, than even the slightest patch of skin can cause arousal. Probably from the start an ankle would not make you tremble, but now that everyone covers their ankles all of the sudden it’s the best thing ever if you see one! Or an outrage, because it’s considered vulgar.
It really is about balance and how we view things…
Wearing clothes can be so beautiful!
Tell your children to put on clothes when they get to a certain age, to protect some areas. To keep themselves more sensitive, more intimate for themselves not necessarily for sake of others. For keeping mystery, excitement, beauty and just for the sake of wearing pretty clothes.
If we hide it all, life gets boring without seeing or experiencing life, but if we show it all life can also get boring because there’s less to “find out” about. No gift to unwrap… heh.
We tend to make things so negative when it comes to any kind of boundary, people see it as a restriction and try to oppose it.
But what is the point!?
It is so much easier just to enjoy what we have and are dealing with, enjoy each other’s bodies that we might not know about, completely shameless and open, but dressed to the degree you want to.
In the end it should all be about personal choice, from who YOU truly are, and not social conditioning.
Now I will go and prepare for this weeks workshops, whiiiiiiii!
Love and light,
Short update; if you haven't read the post before this, do it!
So after spending the night at the hotel next to ferry in Denmark towards Germany, I went out to the entrance for cars and tried to hitchhike.
The people working there didn't seem too happy about it, and with the excuse "This is private ground, if you do this maybe more will do this!"
I'm considering putting in an effort to dissolve this crap, why would it be so horrible if more people hitchhike? They may lose money but society as a whole would benefit greatly from this!
Anyhow, walking up a bit towards the main road, after 10 min I got a ride with a man from Slovakia, living and working in Sweden.
Here's the kicker...
After a few dozen kilometers he stopped to tank at a gas station, and after additional ten kilometers all of the sudden he exploded: "OH SHIT; OOOOOHHHH NOOOOOOOO!!!"
Apparently, he had put gas in the diesel tank. Out of pure habit, and this was a rental car.
Soooo I stayed with him for like two hours on the autobahn, trying to talk to all sorts of people to help with the car (since his english wasn't very good), insurance, autorepair shops etc...
(He got back to Sweden alright, and the car is okay, no worries.)
Then I had to continue, and got a ride to outside Rostock (quite the detour), then a quick hitch with an RV, and then last ride was just pure luck; I was sitting and eating next to my Berlin sign close to the road, and the driver saw it and backed up.
AMAZING, this was almost too easy, loooove it!!
I truly recommend everyone to hitchhike in Europe, it's wonderful, you meet so many beautiful people!!
Now I'm in Berlin, taking a bus back tomorrow night to Roskilde, my friend got a backstage pass for Eminem (!).
But for now I'll be here, doing street-shows, networking and experiencing the culture of the city!
Love and dance,
I'm off hitchhiking again!
I have the CRAZIEST story to tell of how I got there, but this JUST happened and is super crazy also, so I'll tell it first.
Yesterday I was in Roskilde in Denmark, me and my friend Mathias got here hitchhiking from Sweden on Thursday, and since I didn't feel like being a part of the Roskilde festival for several reasons, so I went to Berlin instead for like two days.
After ca 20 min of waiting someone gave me a ride to outskirts of Copenhagen, and then another car stopped. The man was going towards Roskilde, but after asking him if he was going on a detour he decided he had a day off, nothing better to do, and asked me to get inside to drive me to the ferry towards Germany!
That's like... 150 km! I was BEYOND excited and grateful.
On the way we talked about all kinds of different stuff, never stopping the deep conversation, (also I'm collecting relationship advice from people along the road, more about that after the trip!).
When we were around 12 km from the ferry I saw a sign for Safari Park, and asked as a joke if he wants to go! He said yes, put it in the GPS, and off we went! HAHA
Here's some photos:
After we went for dinner, still talking (at this point it turns out he knows Russian (my mother tongue) so we switch language), and then he absolutely insisted on getting me a hotel, so I would get rest and not go to Berlin too late at night.
I was confused and surprised, also slightly uncomfortable, thinking ohhh, he must want something from me because of this...
No; he drove me to the ferry hotel, payed for a single room, had a coffee together with some more conversation, gave me a short hug and left.
Just like that.
Did I mention he payed for everything?!
Asking absolutely NOTHING in return, and not doing or saying anything innapropariate the whole time.
People... are... insane sometimes.
I'm so grateful for the universe right know, WOOOW! When I'm in my essence, in my body, full of energy, it seems like everything is falling into place. Now better than before, I guess I need it a lot right now to recover, so more abundance is coming <3
So after he left, I randomly opened the fire escape door outside my room, asking the chef if he had any food left over.
He asked me if I want Cesar salad, and asked me into the kitchen.
Shoutout to Restaurant Marni by the ferry, for awesome company and food!!
We had some drinks, some nice conversation, and the cook (apparently the owner) was a good salsa dancer! We had a spin on the sticky kitchen floor, in combination with Bitter Dansk (danish herbal alcohol thingy) that was just too much fun!
Now I'm up in my room, on clean sheets first time in a long time (it seems, at least), enjoying being clean and slightly tipsy.
Tomorrow (or, I guess, today), the journey continues!
Love and dance,
//Gypsy Queen is back!
…. Is the reason I haven’t written anything here since April.
That, and a whole lot of life things that get in the way, but honestly no excuses!
Procrastinating is something we all do (to a certain extent), but it’s easier for some than for others to allow ourselves to that point where one just wants to scream at oneself; “STOP!! You have more important stuff to do, why are you watching YouTube and doing cross stitching?!”
Well my friends, that is the question to be answered.
Have you heard of Myers Briggs personality types?
Do the test here: www.16personalities.com
It’s a widely used personality test that determines your core cognitive functions (very popular in America), and how you will act according to those functions. Of course under stress one can shift to ones “shadow functions”, because the brain discovers that the way you’re doing things now is not working, so everything just flips and you can seem like a totally different person.
Anyway, according to this test I am a so called ENFP, and in basically all descriptions of this personality, it will be written that we procrastinate. A lot. Or do things in the last minute. Which has been absolutely true for all of my life (I’m not late anymore in the past 3 years though, I’ve matured! Now I still do some things last minute but I do great!).
So blaming things on ones personality type is a great way to win some time, until you get to the point where you actually DESIRE to write that blog post, and this is what comes out.
(...I seriously just went on Facebook for 2 minutes before realizing I should probably finish writing…)
Doing things at the last minute always work wonders for me! At least if I only have a few things to do. If my schedule is full, then I’ll do stuff immediately.
I feel the pressure, the excitement and adrenaline of upcoming event, and the creativity just starts flowing!!
But when there’s few things to do and no strict deadlines, things get much harder.
Some people need boundaries…
There are many factors to why people procrastinate!
I have a calendar for the past 3 years, planning out and writing down my weekdays.
I have to-do lists (just wrote one now), and the satisfaction to checking off something off that list really keeps you going.
I prepare things on time a few hours or days before!
But for some reason, when it comes to writing blogs, I write down a bunch of topics, and then I just get distracted…
When I do get in the flow of writing, it’s easy, but getting there is quite hard.
Sidenote: One of the things I discovered works for me (but probably not for you) is to have 3 things I have to do, and when one becomes boring I jump to another one! And I alternate between those (sometimes forcing myself to start with the next thing instead of doing push-ups or something) so doing work never gets boring!
I guess I just seek the thrill and rush of completing something, and when it’s all for something that takes time, or detail, or regularity… it’s much harder.
Growing up constantly competing in sports, grades and other life skills gets in your head!
I tend to forget that with freelancing, it’s not only working on your craft and doing the fun stuff.
It’s also promoting oneself, creating new events, happenings, networking, sewing, doing taxes, socializing, and in a way, freelancing work never stops. Ever.
Only way to not work, is to hide away from everything and everyone.
How do we find the thrill in the work “in between” work, the maintenance that has to happen for life to truly happen?
Thankfully, I take myself seriously enough to never give up, no matter how much stuff there is to do, or responsibilities to care for, by myself. Working for myself, deciding everything myself, disciplining myself…
This is what I wanted, right ?
Love and… eh, I’ll finish the sentence later.
//A sleep deprived Gypsy Queen,
because it’s bright 22 hours a day in Sweden now.
(photo from Holi celebration in India)
Well, there's a bunch of stuff to update and upload from India, but since today's society seems to be more and more about the Now, that I should upload stuff when it happens, in this very moment...
I can't do that. I live an active life, and even though I try I cannot update on my every move.
That said - it's time to update on my move!
I'M BACK IN SWEDEN!
At this moment I'm at my parents place, repacking. As you can imagine, being a travelling artist it's very very convenient to have relatives with a huge storage, to keep all the show clothes to change every season or so.
Now I will be in Stockholm, party in Karlstad, studying to get a driver's license. I figured it's time to get one, for many reasons, one of them being; I can drive a scooter now = not afraid of motorized vehicles anymore!
And being back in this country, all of the sudden I'm faced with many choices.
See - I'm a person of many talents, and I love many things. All the things I do I love and enjoy differently, but in basically the same amount, and I cannot live without any of them.
And as a freelance artist, my choices are endless. I can (if I have the money, or somehow can find a way to live for free) choose not to work for a while, I can choose to search in panic for a long-term contract, I can.. well, a lot of stuff.
SO now, coming back from India, where I had a few gigs but not so much (mostly recovering my body), I don't have that much work.
I got a contract job in Turkey, may get another one in Greece, but all that is so long term, committing to it is HUGE because that means the other stuff I don't practice will be forgotten by me, or potential clients!
Since there's already a few festivals, gigs and events I will be participating in in Sweden, it's hard to choose if I should stay, WHAT I should focus on if I stay, or just... what will life be in general.
Right now I can/want to:
Also weighing in my on/off relationship I would love to fix, the fact that I don't have a steady home and really want to feel safe for a while, and also that I want to do all of these things at some point in my life.... and the courses (theater, choreography etc.) might only be this year and never be repeated again!
So, what happens now?
I'll apply to all the courses and the school, all the jobs and gigs available, and then decide what feels more right to do right now.
I guess I'll do it all eventually, but have to find a way to feel somehow what's most important at this very moment.
If you have any advice on how to make major life decisions when you seriously want to do it all at the same time, please comment!
For now I'll be in Stockholm.
If anything changes, I'll let you know.
Love and dance,
Time to be vulnerable!
Since I've began immersing myself into the Tantric world, and I can't afford having another website, I figured why not include those things on my blog as well?
Anything that has to do with my life has a place here, I think, as long as I make it more or less interesting for you to read.
So, what do I mean by this headline?
Well, right now I'm in an Ayurveda (traditional Indian medicine) retreat in Central Goa, in India. Detoxing.
I say that I'm here to take a well deserved break and heal my body, but really, I feel stuck.
I think this is how I'm supposed to feel - since I always do SO MANY THINGS AND AT THE SAME TIME (IF POSSIBLE), no wonder I feel this way when being in a place where all I can do is:
I really want to do stuff and be creative!! But that is a part of the challenge - to learn the sweetness of doing nothing.
"Dolce far niente" as my Italian friends here say.
Which brings me to my point, the basis for the headline.
Accepting the Feminine in me.
To give some background; we all have masculine and feminine within us, the masculine is the driving, logical, powerful force, and the feminine is the flowing, adapting, creating, feeling energy.
IF you want to read more, click here:
Don't be scared by the spiritual approach! It can be translated to any philosophy, in its own way.
For so long I have struggled with being weak, resting, letting creativity flow, and major trust issues.
And feminine energy is not "being a doormat/masochist/weak" as many may perceive. The feminine is not inferior to the masculine!
It is the strength in being vulnerable, in being creative, trusting, receiving, soft, and empathetic, collaborating and intuitive.
While my intuition and empathy are quite well developed, the crookedness that affects so many women today had gotten me too - being strong and independent, to the point where I grew a huge need for control.
Even the most simple things like letting my friend cook for me I could not allow; no matter how hard I tried to relax, flow and do my thing, I would still be there poking around, giving advice and throwing things in the soup. Literally.
Because who knows better than me, really? HAHA, stupid brain.
Never mind that letting someone else do me a favor would allow me to relax and have time for other things - if it was not done my way, I could not relax.
Food, packing, makeup, travel plans, you name it! I had the need to know and be in check of everything, because, well what if something goes wrong??
While it has taken me to great heights of building a career quickly of only doing what I love, being disciplined and driven, learning new things, developing and growing quickly, when this masculine energy is not needed and it's time for a break, I can't stop.
No wonder my body is screaming at me...
So; what would you say is the basis of this utterly exhausting behavior?
As the roots to most major problems in the western brains, bodies and spirits, fear is a great damaging force that puts everything out of balance.
(But that's a whole other post, it's a major topic!)
It's also the reason I work solo; so I don't have to depend on other people.
Being independent is great, growing up fast and being able to bend for all the crap the world throws at you is fantastic, but as one can see by my example; constant micro-managing is really depleting.
Surprisingly, this does not happen in professional relationships! Only in daily life.
It gets in the way of intimacy and trust in my personal relationships, it does not allow me to receive help, I can't trust people enough to even do the smallest thing correctly.
And all of this because of fear of being hurt... fear of being alone, fear of being judged for being weak and needing help (since I was taught through my Russian perfectionism that one should only be strong all the time), fear of being hurt because I lay my trust in someone and if they do it wrong... I will blame myself for trusting them. I will punish myself even more, "stupid me I'm not worthy of care, I should really just deal on my own".
Because it's much easier to depend on yourself, especially when I have to do that all the time already or I will DIE.
As seen in photo below..
But as it has been brought to my attention - without trust for the unknown, and for people in personal relationships with me, it will be a struggle.
Because neither I or them will feel good if I keep being so frikkin' uptight and in my Masculine.
I have even asked my partner to put me in my place, so something would force me to relax!
I need to accept the feminine, graceful, receiving parts of me. Or find them.
Allow my ego to die, for the sake of balance in life. Allow people in.
So here I am, getting massages and treatments every day, my every need being catered, and I don't even have to pour my own tea in the cup... wow, it is so hard to learn to receive!
It started with deep gratitude and being able to receive the fact that my friend is sponsoring me to go to this retreat (thank you so so so much Michael!!! ) Am I really worthy?
Of course I am! But making myself believe that is not easy.
And now, after drinking huge amounts of medicated ghee (clarified butter) over a few days, getting all sorts of detox treatments making icky stuff come out of me (sorry, t.m.i.), and being massaged, I'm starting to break down into softness.
My hard circus body is softer and more gentle; the therapists have gotten through the outer layer and now I can feel all the tensions underneath, all the muscle knots, all the pain is flaring up and moving to the surface, the consequences of overactive masculinity and stubbornness!
Traumas, fear, injuries, I feel it all and oh my, it's a lot...
How could I even walk around with all this inside of me?! (shout-out to circus people - go get a bunch of massages!!)
And as my muscles and tendons are loosening up, as the toxins are leaving my body, I give up.
I may have questioned the Ayurveda doctor one too many times, but I actually managed to receive help! And IT WORKED!!
For so long I have wanted to awaken my feminine more through dance and exterior sources, and while it has worked a bit, this really brought me down.
I feel energy coursing through my body, I feel alive, I feel graceful and open to new possibilities and allowing myself to trust my partner!
And as silly as it may be - taking care of my hair and skin makes me feel even more reborn and feminine. Scrubs are so underrated... haha.
I may have achieved this through only breath-work and re-wiring my brain, but my body is so grateful right now I want to cry...!
Allowing myself to do nothing... and it's okay to feel bored, to be quiet... it is the space in between the notes that makes the music.
I hope my masculine does not have to protect me anymore, I get out of here on Friday so let's see.
Can't wait to try out my newly found powers!!
And to show you all the grace and beauty that comes from surrendering to the music.
Love and dance!
Haha, it's more than a week after new year, and more than a month after my last post.
Greetings from India!
To be more exact, Divaya Island in the state of Goa.
After Israel I went to Egypt, I had a long post about it but never got to publish it; my computer broke down.
Then I was in Stockholm for 3 weeks to work my butt off; one of my christmas shows is here:
Well, enough excuses - I'm here, I'm back, I'm well and happy and life iiiiiis beautiful despite it's issues!
How are you doing?
So an update on my India trip - I came here because it's way cheaper to live and train here than it is to live and train in Sweden, and I can work and read books and do courses and so much more stuff over here.
More time, more opportunities for work and creative projects, and so much better weather!
The first 3 weeks I spent with my boyfriend and mother in Kovalam, just outside of Trivandrum in south of Kerala, the state that's sometimes called "God's own country" or "Home of Ayurveda" (The Indian medicine that I studied and will continue learning).
Just swimming, enjoying the food and the weather, going to a few treatments and training on the black sand beach.
Here are some photos below:
Note on the photos at the bottom: One evening (Christmas eve) I was training on the beach, and there came people.. then more people.. until I had a huge audience.
Then after I finished they all (all men, only 2 women) attacked me wanting to take pictures with me. MANY pictures, and they didn't care if others were in the photo, they just wanted to get a photo of me, haha! It was unbelievable!
Just before Christmas my mother left, so me and the boyfriend took a train to Kannur, to then later take a bus out to the far off villages more inland of north Kerala, to visit a nature reserve. Breathe some fresh air, explore the nature and feel like a celebrity in the village we were in (the guy who works at the front desk of the hotel actually found me on the internet, and took selfies to show his friends I was there! Crazy.
Here's some photos of that:
After that, we took the bus back to Kannur and in the morning a train to Mangalore.
There we were awaited at a hotel which was booked for both of us, to do a performance at New Years Eve the next day!
But then, talking to the guy that booked me over a month ago, things were a bit rocky.
I was not given the proper information, he said his friend was meeting me that same evening, then the next morning, and when I finally met his friend the following day (31st january) it became clear:
Turns out his friend was the main organiser, and the party had been cancelled.
Apparently the owner of the venue had said no at the last minute, and people were calling constantly asking what's going on. They were under huge loss.
BUT, by some magic of the New Year spirits, he had got me another gig at a different party!
So I packed, we had lunch at his place, I bought an outfit for the party (I have this tradition where every New Years I get a new dress), and we went!
Here are some photos from the event:
At this moment I'm in an Ayurveda (traditional Indian medicine) retreat, and I've been here since 3rd of January.
Update on that coming soon.
I will get going more with writing and posting, but as you may understand from my absence and from my latest blogs, I need this time to myself. To detox and recharge.
Love and dance!
.... and, you know,
all the other things that would interest you if you're a fan, if you like my writing, or if you are a pontential employer/client for whom it is important to know if I am a republican or if I eat bacon every day.Fortunately for you, I am/do neither. Bacon is not healthy.