Accepting the Feminine in me

Time to be vulnerable!
​Since I've began immersing myself into the Tantric world, and I can't afford having another website, I figured why not include those things on my blog as well?
Anything that has to do with my life has a place here, I think, as long as I make it more or less interesting for you to read.
So, what do I mean by this headline?

Well, right now I'm in an Ayurveda (traditional Indian medicine) retreat in Central Goa, in India. Detoxing.
I say that I'm here to take a well deserved break and heal my body, but really, I feel stuck. 
Very stuck.
I think this is how I'm supposed to feel - since I always do SO MANY THINGS AND AT THE SAME TIME (IF POSSIBLE), no wonder I feel this way when being in a place where all I can do is:

•  gentle exercise,
  
• struggle with doing things on the computer with horrible Wi-Fi,
  
• read shaman and Ayurveda e-books until my eyes hurt (my e-book reader is retarded, and in lack of patience I've only got the computer),
  
• eat
  
• and wash myself.

I was gonna immerse myself into healing, thinking I would be able to withstand the lack of handy-work, but oh, I was mistaken. The healing came to me, without me having to do much.
I really want to do stuff and be creative!! But that is a part of the challenge - to learn the sweetness of doing nothing.
"Dolce far niente" as my Italian friends here say.

Which brings me to my point, the basis for the headline.
Accepting the Feminine in me.
To give some background; we all have masculine and feminine within us, the masculine is the driving, logical, powerful force, and the feminine is the flowing, adapting, creating, feeling energy.
IF you want to read more, click here:
Don't be scared by the spiritual approach! It can be translated to any philosophy, in its own way.

Masculine and feminine

More about the feminine

For so long I have struggled with being weak, resting, letting creativity flow, and major trust issues.
And feminine energy is not "being a doormat/masochist/weak" as many may perceive. The feminine is not inferior to the masculine!
It is the strength in being vulnerable, in being creative, trusting, receiving, soft, and empathetic, collaborating and intuitive.
While my intuition and empathy are quite well developed, the crookedness that affects so many women today had gotten me too - being strong and independent, to the point where I grew a huge need for control.
Even the most simple things like letting my friend cook for me I could not allow; no matter how hard I tried to relax, flow and do my thing, I would still be there poking around, giving advice and throwing things in the soup. Literally.
Because who knows better than me, really? HAHA, stupid brain.
Never mind that letting someone else do me a favor would allow me to relax and have time for other things - if it was not done my way, I could not relax.
Food, packing, makeup, travel plans, you name it! I had the need to know and be in check of everything, because, well what if something goes wrong??
While it has taken me to great heights of building a career quickly of only doing what I love, being disciplined and driven, learning new things, developing and growing quickly, when this masculine energy is not needed and it's time for a break, I can't stop.
No wonder my body is screaming at me...
So; what would you say is the basis of this utterly exhausting behavior?

Fear.

As the roots to most major problems in the western brains, bodies and spirits, fear is a great damaging force that puts everything out of balance.
(But that's a whole other post, it's a major topic!)
It's also the reason I work solo; so I don't have to depend on other people.
Being independent is great, growing up fast and being able to bend for all the crap the world throws at you is fantastic, but as one can see by my example; constant micro-managing is really depleting.
Surprisingly, this does not happen in professional relationships! Only in daily life.
It gets in the way of intimacy and trust in my personal relationships, it does not allow me to receive help, I can't trust people enough to even do the smallest thing correctly.

And all of this because of fear of being hurt... fear of being alone, fear of being judged for being weak and needing help (since I was taught through my Russian perfectionism that one should only be strong all the time), fear of being hurt because I lay my trust in someone and if they do it wrong... I will blame myself for trusting them. I will punish myself even more, "stupid me I'm not worthy of care, I should really just deal on my own".
Because it's much easier to depend on yourself, especially when I have to do that all the time already or I will DIE.
As seen in photo below..

But as it has been brought to my attention - without trust for the unknown, and for people in personal relationships with me, it will be a struggle.
Because neither I or them will feel good if I keep being so frikkin' uptight and in my Masculine.
I have even asked my partner to put me in my place, so something would force me to relax!
I need to accept the feminine, graceful, receiving parts of me. Or find them.
Allow my ego to die, for the sake of balance in life. Allow people in.

​So here I am, getting massages and treatments every day, my every need being catered, and I don't even have to pour my own tea in the cup... wow, it is so hard to learn to receive!

It started with deep gratitude and being able to receive the fact that my friend is sponsoring me to go to this retreat (thank you so so so much Michael!!! ) Am I really worthy?
Of course I am! But making myself believe that is not easy.

And now, after drinking huge amounts of medicated ghee (clarified butter) over a few days, getting all sorts of detox treatments making icky stuff come out of me (sorry, t.m.i.), and being massaged, I'm starting to break down into softness.
Quite literally.
My hard circus body is softer and more gentle; the therapists have gotten through the outer layer and now I can feel all the tensions underneath, all the muscle knots, all the pain is flaring up and moving to the surface, the consequences of overactive masculinity and stubbornness!
Traumas, fear, injuries, I feel it all and oh my, it's a lot...
How could I even walk around with all this inside of me?! (shout-out to circus people - go get a bunch of massages!!)
And as my muscles and tendons are loosening up, as the toxins are leaving my body, I give up.
I may have questioned the Ayurveda doctor one too many times, but I actually managed to receive help! And IT WORKED!!

For so long I have wanted to awaken my feminine more through dance and exterior sources, and while it has worked a bit, this really brought me down.
I feel energy coursing through my body, I feel alive, I feel graceful and open to new possibilities and allowing myself to trust my partner!
And as silly as it may be - taking care of my hair and skin makes me feel even more reborn and feminine. Scrubs are so underrated... haha.
​I may have achieved this through only breath-work and re-wiring my brain, but my body is so grateful right now I want to cry...!
Allowing myself to do nothing... and it's okay to feel bored, to be quiet... it is the space in between the notes that makes the music.

I hope my masculine does not have to protect me anymore, I get out of here on Friday so let's see.

Can't wait to try out my newly found powers!!
​
And to show you all the grace and beauty that comes from surrendering to the music.

Love and dance!

//Gypsy Queen